


Time Makes You Bolder

by princessnoel



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, idk this is my first fic???, louis is stupid and in fact straight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-03 05:55:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2840507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessnoel/pseuds/princessnoel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Well, I've been afraid of changing<br/>'Cause I've built my life around you<br/>But time makes you bolder<br/>Even children get older<br/>And I'm getting older too"</p>
<p>Louis and Gemma were childhood friends, so naturally he’s named godfather.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everybody's changing and I don't feel right

**Author's Note:**

> *loosely based off of the film “Life as We Know It”  
> *title and quote from Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Keane's "Everybody's Changing"

June 2013

+++

Louis groans as he hits snooze on his phone for the third time in a row. He rolls over and throws the old quilt up over his head. It’s still weird to be in his old bedroom again. He hasn’t even opened his eyes, but he can tell they’re still puffy. The door flies open and Lottie stands in the doorway with a towel on her head and only a dress slip on. “C’mon Lou. Your turn’s only got seven minutes left before Fizz gets the shower,” she coos. Although living in a flat with two other uni students is some difficult work, living in a house with four sisters and one bathroom to share has got to be worse.

He grunts in response and moves like a zombie to get out of bed. He strips off his shorts and socks and slumps into the bathroom. Lottie, the saint, has already started the shower. He reminds himself to buy her a gift as he steps out of his boxers and slides into the hot steam. He chokes back a sob but lets his tears fall, picking up where sleep cut him off the night before. He scrubs shampoo into his hair and by the time the egg timer on the counter is going off (making sure each of them gets 15 minutes after the previous one is out) his breathing has slowed and the hot water has washed the traces of crying from his face. He leaves the shower running for Fizz and wraps the towel around his waist. He opens the door to a fist raised and ready to pound on the door. He dodges his sister and slips under her arm. 

Notes from The Killers are streaming from his bedroom and Louis now owes Lottie two gifts, or maybe lunch. After his breakdown last night, she is really trying her hardest to make today easier. He knows that this isn’t the last time he will see his best friend. They aren't even moving until the end of the month, but this is the big moment that makes it official. They’ve been saying for months now that they’re leaving “after the wedding”. So today’s the day.

Louis pulls on some boxers and dances around until the song is over. He pulls a white undershirt on and pads toward the kitchen. Downstairs, Phoebe is sitting on the couch watching Lottie twist Daisy’s hair into the prettiest knot. Louis stops to watch for a minute, admiring his sister’s handy work.

“Lou! There you are! Come eat!” Jay yells from the kitchen. “I've saved a few pancakes for you. They’re waiting in the microwave. I’ve got to go get showered and ready. Can you and Lottie handle the rest for a while?” 

Louis walks over to the microwave stopping to hug his mom on the way. She pats his back and kisses his head. “Thanks mum. And yeah, I’d recon we can handle the other three,” Louis says as he reaches up and grabs the still-warm stack of pancakes. 

Two hours later and they are all ready to go. They’re all dressed to the nines and radiate excitement. Daisy and Phoebe have daisies woven into their hair and Fizzy is wearing a tight black dress with dark lipstick (a phase that neither Louis nor Jay is very fond of). Lottie is wearing violet, which matches Louis tie and Jay is wearing light blue that makes her eyes pop. Louis feels very emotional looking at the most important ladies in his life.

As if on cue, the doorbell rings as the clock chimes noon. The twins rush to the door, squealing over their precious Eleanor. Louis’ heart speeds up and Lottie is there beside him with a hand on the small of his back. He takes a deep breath and smiles weakly at her. He hugs Eleanor as she comes inside, flanked by the twins. She looks beautiful. She’s dressed in a light pink dress that hugs her in all the right places. Her lips are pink and her hair is pinned back from her face. They make a gorgeous couple, Louis knows that. His pale pink and purple tie matches the lace of Eleanor’s dress. Louis finds himself smiling a real smile as his mom snaps a picture of the two.

×××

The wedding goes off without a hitch. Anne looks absolutely stunning in her flawless white ball gown. Louis, Eleanor, and Lottie sit front row with Zayn while Gemma and Harry stand beside Anne and Robin respectively. Louis looks between the bride and groom as they share their vows, trying his best not to look at how fit Harry looks and at how much older he looks. It’s only been a couple of months (four to be exact) since they’d last seen each other (or even talked at all), but a lot can change in a 19 year old. He feels a lump in his throat when he thinks of all the memories he’s had with Gemma. He swallows it down and enjoys the rest of the wedding.

They all shed a few tears and share hugs and cheers of “congratulations” after the beautiful ceremony. Louis wanders around, waiting to leave for the reception. Eleanor and Lottie were left chatting with Gemma. Zayn was off to set up for an art show as soon as was acceptable. Louis’ eye is drawn to a pond reflecting the blue sky like a mirror. He stops short of the water to lean against the red barn. 

His thoughts are interrupted. “Where’s the rest?” a slow voice drawls from behind him. Louis’ heart jumps up as he turns around. Harry cleans up great, Louis knows that much. His green eyes are practically shining in the sunlight against his black suit and his dark curls. Louis has to catch his breath before responding.

“Talking about girl stuff,” he shrugs. “You know how they get about weddings.”

Harry nods and leans against the side of the barn across from him. Louis recalls some old memories with a faint smile, most of them good thoughts. When they were much much younger, Anne used to call Louis up to “babysit” Harry while she ran to the shops if Gemma wasn’t home. They’d curl up on the couch and watch a movie, maybe have a Nerf gun war. Louis’d always liked Harry, just preferred spending time with Gemma because of their ages. He spent a lot of time at the Styles’ house or with Harry at the flat he shared with Gemma for two years, though, so he and Harry were close friends. Everyone always joked that Harry had a crush on him. Louis is in fact straight, so the talking didn’t bother him much. The last time they’d seen each other might be the fuel behind their recent lapse in any sort of communication. Louis shutters just thinking about it.

Louis pulls his eyes away from Harry’s to watch a flock of birds reflected on the glass surface of the water. Harry spends full moments studying the way Louis’ lashes make shadows on his cheeks and Louis pretends not to notice.

Harry clears his throat. “How’re things with Eleanor?” he asks, trying to catch up.

Louis shrugs. “Fine, I suppose. Been talking to Lottie about it lately though,” he starts. His face goes red at the thought of what else they’d been talking about. “She thinks I ought to break it off,” he says with a dry mouth. It’s always been easy to talk to Harry, so he’s not sure why his words are sticking in his throat.

Their eyes connect again. “And why’s that?” Harry prompts.

“I’m just not into it anymore, I guess. I feel like it’s a bit old. The same things over and over again, ya know?” he sighs.

“Not the good familiar, though?” Harry asks.

Louis looks down, shakes his head. “Just boring familiar, I think,” he states. 

“Well…you’re young and all that. Already wasted a year on her, if you ask me,” Harry winks. “Spend your last year of uni hooking up with hot chicks like they do in the movies.”

“Like you’d know anything about that,” Louis nudges (a very blushing) Harry’s shoulder with his own as he pushes away from the barn. He thinks about asking Harry how he’s been, but decides he doesn’t need to know. “Looks like they’re clearing out up there,” he says.

“Time to party,” Harry fist pumps as they walk back toward the crowd. He drops his arm to rest on Louis’ shoulder and he’s not quite sure when Harry got to be so much taller than he is.

The guests are starting up their cars to make the drive to the reception. Anne and Robin have already pulled away, a limo taking them home to change before the party started. Jay, Felicite, and the twins are packed into her car and they wave as they drive away. Gemma comes walking toward the boys with Lottie and Eleanor on her arms. Eleanor breaks free to hug and kiss Louis goodbye, as Lottie whines about her missing the best part of a wedding.

“I know, Lots,” Eleanor whines back, “but I’ve gotta do this shoot.” Louis gets a bad taste in his mouth hearing her use his nickname for his sister. “I’ll see you soon, yeah? Have fun, all of ya.”

Louis gives a weak wave as she walks toward the parking lot. He sighs, gaining a sympathetic look from both Lottie _and_ Harry, which he doesn’t need. 

“I’ve volunteered to drive you both since your ride just left for Manchester,” Gemma speaks up. Louis had forgotten that Eleanor had driven.

“But I call shotgun,” Lottie pipes up.

Louis and Harry spend twenty minutes pressed together from shoulder to hip to ankle in the tiny backseat of Gemma’s car. Louis skin has electricity running through it. The speakers blast some throwback pop and eventually the boys are even singing along to N*SYNC, still trying to avoid eye contact and stay as far away from each other as the space allowed. Usually they are more than a little touchy with each other, just like close friends are, right? But since Harry’s birthday, Louis’ nerves are on high alert to even the sight of Harry, much less this much contact.

The venue is relatively small, with only room for Robin and Anne at the main table. Jay’s already got the biggest table half-claimed, so the four of them fill the last seats. Fizzy’s face turns bright red when Harry sits down next to her. He shakes his head a smiles. A bland song is playing over the speakers as the last people start to file in. Waiters come around to get drink orders while the party waits for the bride and groom. 

Louis bops his head along to the music, taking sips of his lemonade. He tries hard not to glance at Harry with every breath. 

Dinner is a simple chicken alfredo with garlic bread sticks and everyone loves it. Louis can’t finish his plate though. He pushes away from the table, asking if anyone needs anything from the bar. They all shake their heads and send him off. He leans against the bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. “Actually, make that two,” he corrects. He needs a foggy head if he’s going to make it through the night. 

Halfway through his first glass, he feels a wide hand on his waist. “I’ll have an appletini,” he says to the bartender. Louis closes his eyes and lets a huff of breath from his nose as Harry sidles up next to him. “Let’s get drunk and repeat my birthday, want to?” Harry whispers into his ear.

Louis just stares at him. His face is hot and he is blinking too much and his mouth is suddenly very dry. “Oh piss off,” he spits. He throws back the rest of his drink and grabs the other glass as he heads back toward the table. The hurt expression on Harry’s face goes unnoticed.

That’s how the rest of the night is, then. Louis doesn’t have another drink and keeps away from Harry as much as possible. He slow dances with Gemma and talks to Robin at the bar. Harry takes shots with strangers. He does the cha cha slide with his sisters and talks with his mom while the others are dancing. Harry dances dirtily with anyone that’s not related to him. Harry escapes Louis’ mind for most of the night. 

Soon, the dance floor is empty and their big table is the only one with anyone left sitting at it. Anne and Robin have pulled up chairs and it’s just like the old days, before Gemma and Louis got caught up in uni. They are all smiling and laughing, and a little bit tipsy. Louis realizes how much he’s missed this. His heart aches knowing this is probably the last time they’ll all be together like this. It’s getting late though, and Jay collects the girls and their things and hugs the happy couple goodbye. 

Louis’ stomach is in his throat when Gemma stands up to follow suit. They head out to the car and Lottie sticks her tongue out at Louis as she slides in to the front seat. Louis swallows hard and takes a deep breath. He knows Harry has had quite a bit to drink. He can smell it on him when he climbs in the back seat. Harry smiles lazily and places his hand on Louis’ knee. Louis leans forward and covers the hand with his own (ignoring the electric shock sent through his body) to prevent it from wandering up his leg. Harry whines and closes his eyes until the car comes to a stop. Louis moves to get out, but Harry grips his leg even stronger.

“I’m so sorry, Lou,” he whispers into Louis’ hair. “I didn’t mean to ruin the night, especially the past four months.” A tear rolls down his face. “Please forgive me,” he begs.

Louis swipes the pad of his thumb under Harry’s eye and kisses his forehead. “I’ll miss you, Haz,” he whispers. 

Gemma gets out and wraps Louis in a gentle hug. “We’ll still be around for a few weeks, Lou,” she assures him. But her eyes are misty. 

Tears are falling by the time Louis reaches his front door. He take the stairs two at a time and collapses on his bed, suit and tie included. He scrolls through his phone and puts on a playlist that Harry made him for his birthday last year. He laughs and cries as each song brings back old memories of car rides with Gemma and trips to the beach with both families.

His sleep brings back newer memories, though. Strobe lights flash while hot, sweat soaked bodies grind together in a huge mass. The haze of alcohol clouds the memory, but lips are on his neck and curls are tangled in his fingers. His back is against the wall and his tongue is fighting with someone else’s. Green eyes lock with his.

Louis wakes up in a sticky mess at 4:37 am and sits in the shower for 45 minutes.

×××

**From: Gems 12:06pm**

**still on for tonite? xx**

 

**To: Gems 12:08pm**

**of course!!! c u then x**

Louis has mostly slept since the wedding. Zayn is back home in Bradford, and Gemma has been packing up and busy with the move. So Louis lets Lottie teach him how to braid hair (how to French braid, even). He drives to the beach one day and lays on a towel until his skin is satisfyingly brown. Stan calls him up on a Wednesday and they grab lunch and play some footie in the park. But as the end of the month nears, his heart sinks further and further to the pit of his stomach. 

There is screaming and fighting going on downstairs so Louis drags himself out of bed at half noon. Turns out Daisy said she was the prettier twin and Phoebe wasn’t having that. Louis settles the squabble with a threat to call Mum. He makes them all lunch, calling Fizzy down from her room to eat. They settle down and watch Frozen (for the hundredth time this summer).

Still three hours until Louis is meant to meet Zayn at Gemma’s… He thinks he might be going mad. He’s got the gifts all ready to go and already picked out his outfit for the night. Louis turns on his Xbox and plays a game of FIFA. He gets his ass kicked by the computer, though. He gets ready to shower (still too early, but he can hang around the Styles’ house until Zayn turns up), blasting his “fuck shit up” playlist while he washes up. The music is bumping fast and the water is running hot and Louis psyches himself up for the goodbye that’s about to come.

Louis sends Gemma a text to let her know that he’s coming by early before starting the short walk down the block. He hums as he walks up the driveway but stops dead in his tracks as the front door opens. Harry steps out, long legs covered with ripped black skinny jeans. He’s got on ridiculous sparkly boots and a short sleeve button up (that’s hardly buttoned up). His curls are contained in a gray headscarf and Louis can’t breathe.

“Lou! You’re early!” Harry exclaims. He trots over and wraps Louis in a constricting hug that lifts Louis’ feet off the ground. “I didn’t think I’d see you before Sunday.”

“I….can’t breathe,” Louis chokes. Harry sets him down with an apologetic look. “Jeez Haz,” Louis pants. “I’ve been feeling a bit of cabin fever, so I decided I’d hang out here until time to leave.”

“Damn. I’m just leaving for my own little going away soiree,” Harry explains. “Wish I could hang out for a bit,” he trails off.

“It’s alright Harry. We’ll talk later, yeah?” Louis says, successfully hiding his disappointment. 

Harry chews on his cheek. “Maybe we can play FIFA online once I’m settled in?” he says hopefully.

“HA! You like losing, do you?” Louis laughs.

Harry shakes his head. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

Louis nods. “Yeah. See ya.” He looks down at his hands and blinks back tears. “Wait!” he calls, remembering the gifts.

Harry turns around, wiping at his eyes. Louis holds a picture frame out to him. It’s a simple black frame with sharp corners and a string of colorful lights hanging across the top. Harry and Louis are smiling from the center. They’re sat in the Ferris wheel and carnival lights make their teeth shine. It was taken last summer and was both of their Facebook profile pictures for months.

“Wow Lou. I love it. Thank you so much, really,” Harry blinks.

“So you don’t forget me, you know?” Louis pulls him in for a one-armed hug.

He watches as Harry gets into a car that Louis hadn’t noticed was idling by the curb. He slumps toward the house and yells for Gemma. He sets Anne and Robin’s picture frame (wooden with “Family” written across the top and a picture of the Tomlinson-Styles family at their annual Christmas dinner) on the counter in the kitchen since there is no other furniture left. He sulks up the stairs and flops down dramatically on Gemma’s bed. “”m gonna miss you guys so much,” he whines.

“Would you stop?” Gemma snaps. “Tonight is going to fun, okay? No moping,” she demands. “I’m not dying, alright.”

Louis nods. He watches Gemma get dressed and do her makeup and nearly tackles Zayn in excitement when he arrives nearly an hour later. 

“Hey Gems,” Zayn drawls. “Guess what I’ve brought you as a going away present.”

“Do I even want to know?” she asks, indifferent.

Louis and Zayn both giggle as Zayn gets down on one knee and presents Gemma with a pill bottle. “Gemma Anne Styles, I have loved you since Louis made me move in with you cos he was poor and couldn’t afford his half of the rent,” he is smiling uncontrollably. “So…will you light up with me?”

“Oh my god, Zayn!” she squeals. She scuffs his cheek with her knuckle and pulls him up into a hug. “Just like old times,” she smiles.

“Joint lit; happy days,” they sing-song in unison.

Zayn in a leather jacket and black skinny jeans will never not mess with Louis’ head. He’s rolling a joint and Louis and Gemma exchange knowing looks. “Hey Z?” Louis starts. Zayn nods. “How’d you get so hot?” he asks.

Zayn snorts. “C’mon Louis, you’re supposed to be the straight one, remember?”

Gemma and Louis both give a little “hey” in protest but they’re all laughing as they shut the garage door and start passing the blunt, exactly like the two years they spent together in uni. Louis’ mind starts to float away and all his worries escape him. His heart feels big and full in his chest and he is madly in love with his two best friends.

“Where we eating?” Louis asks.

Zayn and Gemma both laugh. “Munchin’ already?” Gemma asks.

“The usual, mate!” Zayn replies.

“Chicken and chili!” Louis sings.

The three of them joke and smile the whole cab ride to dinner and laugh over drinks and appetizers. Louis and Zayn take turns toasting Gemma and her brilliant mind and her new job, wishing her well.

Dinner goes by too quickly. Louis has a lump in his throat and his high is wearing off. They stand up to leave but none of them move. “Let’s go to the club, yeah?” Louis suggests. “One last hurrah.” Zayn nods enthusiastically and they don’t have to ask Gemma twice. 

They throw back drinks until they can’t remember their own names, much less the fact that Gemma will be in a different country tomorrow. They grind and sweat and have the time of their lives. It’s not the first time Gemma’s had to pull Zayn and Louis apart. They grope and kiss and then all three of them are crying.

The cab ride home is weird. Louis is very drunk and very tired and also very sad and he feels a bit empty. Without plan, they all get out at Gemma’s and head down to the basement. They pile up on the floor with lots of pillows and lots of body heat and lots of cuddles. 

When Gemma’s alarm goes off at noon, a collective groan sounds through the room. Gentle footsteps come down the stairs, and soon a head full of curls joins in on their group cuddle. Louis’ heart sinks into his stomach as he breathes Harry in. Anne yells for them all, saying that if they don’t leave in five minutes, she will move to Colorado without them. They all shrug in unison and laugh as they trudge up the stairs. 

Louis runs up to Gemma’s room to get her present. It’s a plain black picture frame with a black and white picture of her, Zayn, and Louis the first night they lived together. He cries as he hands it to her and she hugs him for what seems like hours. He and Zayn leave with watery eyes and shaky hugs from the whole family, promising to keep in touch.

Zayn and Louis fall right into Louis’ bed at home, holding on to what they have left.


	2. Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide"

December 2013

+++

The months have crawled by. Each has been miserable in its own unique way.

July was sad, especially with Harry and Gemma posting and sending pictures of them with their new neighbors clad in the wrong red, white, and blue. His heart sunk when Gemma sent a picture of fireworks with the caption “wish u were here” in their group chat with Zayn. He almost threw his phone when Harry sent a similar picture with a similar caption to him and Lottie. Louis had finally ended it with Eleanor (which actually made his heart a little lighter).

August was drab, even with celebrating Fizzy and Lottie’s birthdays. The girls and his mum were busy getting ready for a new school year while he and Zayn looked for a cheaper place to live (since they don’t have Gemma to foot the rent anymore). Louis assumed Gemma and Harry were busy getting settled and preparing for their upcoming school years as well, but he didn’t hear much from them.

September was gloomy, mainly because they were getting along fine without him. Zayn’d found a nice flat with a balcony for a relatively low price (student discount as well). He and Louis spent most of the month with their feet dangling and smoke circling. They both got (paid!!!) teacher’s aide positions at the same middle school though. The kids helped to distract from the missing person on the sofa every night. Louis tried hard to ignore the #wcw posts every Wednesday on Instagram (Harry was always cuddled up to the same blonde who was tagged _**@caradelevingne**_ ).

October was haunting, for more than a few reasons. First, Zayn managed to drag Louis to a haunted house _three_ times because some cute guy from his philosophy class was working the ticket booth. Second, Louis made Zayn watch every scary movie he could find because that’s what Gemma would have wanted. Third, the dreams started that month. And fourth, his mum was pregnant…with _twins_.

November was depressing, and the weather didn’t help at all. Rain constantly battered the windows, causing Louis to curl in closer around Zayn (the bad dreams landed him in bed with Zayn more often than not, but neither of them minded the company). The Styles family was busy celebrating the foundation of their new country and posting plenty of pictures of roasted turkeys and stovetop stuffing in rooms decorated with Indian feathers and cornucopias. 

December has been the worst though, even though it’s not even mid-month. There is still a week left of first term and both Louis and Zayn are dragging. Louis has finished Christmas shopping for his sisters and his mum, but he’s still got to buy for Zayn. He finds a headscarf that would make Harry’s eyes glow and maybe he buys it to give to him later. The texts between him and Gemma have slowed down to once every few weeks and he hasn’t heard from Harry since Halloween. He is dreading his birthday, though. It’ll be the first birthday he’s spent without Gemma since he turned three years old. Nineteen years is a long time to get used to someone.

×××

Louis looks down at his phone. “I’ve only got £150 in my saving’s account so far,” he whines.

Zayn snorts. “You’re doin’ better than I am, mate.” He throws an arm around Louis shoulder. “I’ve got about £75 and some pocket change in our jar,” he nods toward the jar on the table that is about half full with coins.

“Oh my god, Zayn!” Louis elbows him in the ribs. “We’ll never be able to visit this summer if you don’t pull your own weight!” He sighs, “I can go by myself, you know.”

Zayn shrugs. “Fancy one last smoke together before break?” he asks.

Louis nods and wraps the throw blanket around his shoulders before stepping into the bitter cold of December in Manchester. They huddle together and look out over the balcony. Louis rests his head on Zayn’s shoulder and breathes in all the familiar scents: the smoky mint of Zayn’s menthol mingling with the vanilla of his “girly flavored shit”, Zayn’s aftershave and the sharp smell of cold. He is happy here, with Zayn. But he can’t help but notice the hole in his heart. It’s always aching and begging to be filled. His mum tells him he needs to find a date, and Zayn tells him to get laid.

A phone sounds inside and they both sigh. They put their cigarettes out in the ashtray and slip back inside. Louis checks his phone: his mum will be there to pick him up in an hour. “Presents?” he asks.

“Lou, we said we weren’t getting each other anything so we could save up for our trip!” Zayn squeals.

Louis shrugs, “I know. But I got you something anyway.” He disappears into his room and comes out with a wrapped package and a red stocking.

Zayn laughs as he pulls the same from behind the sofa. “Me too,” he giggles.

The stockings both contain a pack of cigarettes and candy to last a few weeks. Louis unwraps his gift and gasps overdramatically (as per usual). He’s got Santa boxers, complete with white fur trim; a pair with ornament bulbs printed with ‘nice balls’; and a green and red pair with ‘naughty or nice’ written all over (but the ‘or nice’ part has been crossed out). Zayn loves his shirt and Louis pretends to hate the rather flamboyant boxers. They watch the end of _Love Actually_ on the telly and then Louis is on his way out the door.

“Geez, Mum,” he says with wide eyes. “You’re huge!” 

“Louis!” she shrieks with mock horror. “I hope I’ve got two more girls in here so you’ll be even more outnumbered!”

The hour drive home goes quickly. They spend it catching up and going over Christmas plans. Without the Styles family at Christmas, the Tomlinson clan is a little lost. But with Jay being 6 months pregnant, they’ve all decided to just stay in for Christmas. Jay will cook a nice Christmas meal and they will spend the day relishing the company of family. 

“Oh,” Jay says as they pull into the driveway at home. “You’ve got mail. It’ll be in on your bed.”

Louis struggles his bags from the back seat and lugs them up the stairs to his bedroom. As his mum had said, there are two envelopes, one purple and one blue, laying innocently on his bed. The blue one is addressed to “Louis Tomlinson” in loopy cursive and the return address is Gemma Anne Styles. He takes a shaky breath and starts opening the purple (and hopefully less hurtful) envelope (scratchy handwriting addressed to “Lou” with no return address). Harry’s face is smiling up at him. He swallows hard. He’s in an ugly Christmas sweater (one that used to be Louis’ and is now too small for Harry) and has a strand of lights wrapped around his body. There is a giant silver bow atop his messy curls.

There is no text inside, only a handwritten message. It reads: 

_“Hi Louis. I’ve made this card just for you using one of those apps on my phone. I hope your last year of uni is going well._ _College here is really great. Not like in the_ _movies, though. I’ve not gotten drunk at any parties, or even attended any, really. My roommate is Irish though, so we do have frequent pints in our dorm. Niall’s cool. I_ _think you’d get on well. Missing you (and even Zayn) though. I really hope you have a great birthday and a very merry Christmas. I’m so sorry I can’t get you a gift this year..._ _Still love you though. And miss you. –Harry xx_

_Ps. write back? We can be pen pals or something cool, if you want, I mean”_

Louis can _smell_ Harry on the card. He’s sprayed it with his cologne and Louis wants to save the smell forever. He holds it to his chest and lets a single tear fall. Luckily, Gemma’s card is a lot to take in. She’s written lines and lines about her students and her co-workers and the guy she is seeing. She tells Louis he needs to keep in touch better and that he should come meet her friends. She tells him that she’s sorry that they had to move (because she knows Louis blames her teaching job for forcing them to re-locate). She asks about the girls and his mum and tells him that he better write back, or else. 

He smiles a watery smile and gets to work replying on a plain sheet of paper. He tells her about his new job and the students he gets to work with. He tells her about the crush Zayn has on the boy from philosophy and about their amazing balcony. He brushes her up on the girls and Jay’s pregnancy and promises to keep in touch better. He slips the paper in the envelope from his card, prints “RETURN TO SENDER” across the front, and tapes the back shut. He knows that’ll piss Gemma off, but hey, it’s free postage. He also knows that he’s not going to reply to Harry, ever.

×××

Christmas break is relatively boring, as always. But Louis is able to distract himself by playing with his sisters. His mom is _very_ pregnant so he helps with dinner and cleaning as much as he can. He has very few thoughts of Gemma and Harry.

Stan and his other friends take him out on the night of the 23rd for his birthday. They drink beers in the cab on the way and get pissed at the club. Louis gets fleeting glances of chocolate curls so he downs his drink in a single gulp. He feels hands on his hips and he’s making out with a stranger. A blonde bloke with a nice ass. Louis shrugs and lets his mouth be invaded by a slick hot tongue until he feels himself being pulled away and out the door. His friends make fun of him and tell him they’ve always known he was gay. He insists that he’s not. He stumbles up to his bedroom and falls asleep sweaty and drunk.

Twenty-two feels weird for Louis. He wakes up at half noon with a pounding headache and every joint is stiff. He takes a fifty minute too-hot shower. The air is cold between the bathroom and his bedroom. He flops down in his bed wearing only his towel. His phone was turned off all night and turning it on takes several minutes while all of the calls and texts load. He scrolls down to the bottom to read the earliest texts first. Lottie sent a text at 11:59, telling him that no one could beat her impeccable timing and that no one loves him more than she does. The next text though, comes as a surprise.

**From: Harry Styles 12:00am**

**Happy Birthday Lou!! Hopefully  
** **this sent right at midnight. I  
** **tried t make sure with the time  
** **change and all... Anyway, hope  
** **your day is great! You deserve  
** **the best. Love you & miss you.  
** **H xx**

Louis pulls up the world clock on his phone. It would have been 5 pm when Harry sent that text, which means he was thinking ahead. But that doesn’t mean anything. His reply to Harry is a short “Thanks, H. Miss you too”. He sends thank you texts to everyone who called and texted.

His mum orders pizza for his birthday dinner, pepperoni and mushroom. Lottie lights the candles on his ice cream cake and a chorus of little girls sings happy birthday to him. He’s all smiles as he blows out his candles. Of course the girls ask what he wished for, but as always, he tells them that he can’t share. He can’t tell them that he wished he didn’t get weird feelings when he thought about his childhood friend. No, because then it wouldn’t come true. 

Lottie helps clear the table while Jay rolls out the cookie dough. The twins get busy with the cookie cutters and Louis pre-heats the oven. Fizzy transfers the doughy shapes onto the cookie sheet. Once the cookies are in the oven, they put in the VHS tape of Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer, as per tradition. They all giggle and snuggle up as the little stop-animation animals frolic on screen. Jay takes the cookies out of the oven and they cool as the movie comes to an end. 

Even Daisy and Phoebe have caught up to Louis in their frosting ability. They each place a cookie on the “Santa plate” and Jay pours a small glass of milk. They all get into their Christmas pajamas (Jay had elected for a matching Elf theme this year) and stand in front of the tree for a picture. Jay and Dan kiss each girl on the head as they bop up the stairs. 

Louis sighs and places his arm around his mom’s shoulders. “Why don’t you two go to bed, too? I can handle Santa duty tonight,” he suggests. 

Jay nods, grateful, and allows Dan to lead her up the stairs.

In reality, it was weird to have Dan around all the time. Especially since Christmas had always been his and his mum’s holiday. And this Christmas was hard enough with Gemma and Harry being gone... So Louis flicks on the TV and cries into a glass of wine. He watches some cheesy Christmas movie until he can be sure the girls are asleep. He then ventures around the house, dragging wrapped presents from all of the hiding places. He has another glass of wine as he nibbles on the cookies and drains most of the milk down the sink. Louis goes to bed a bit nostalgic and with a warm belly.

The twins wake him up, the same as always. They bounce around on his twin bed until Louis is dragging himself down the stairs. It’s only 9am and dreams landed Louis with fitful sleep (as per usual, these days). He rubs his eyes as he sits on the couch next to his mom. Lottie and Fizzy are passing out presents while Dan makes French toast in the kitchen. Louis is excited to receive a number of superhero-related shirts and socks from his sisters, a few books, and the new Beyoncé and MGMT albums.

Louis and Jay clean up the paper around the tree while the girls settle in around the kitchen table. “Go eat, Lou. I’ll be in in a bit,” Jay fusses. 

Louis shakes his head. “I can’t,” he sighs. “It’s weird without the fold out table and the extra people.” He and Harry used to have competitions to see who could eat the most French toast. Harry won every year. Louis can hear Gemma nagging him about helping with dishes. He slumps down on the couch. “I really miss them, mum,” he cries.

“I know, darling. I miss them, too,” she strokes his hair smooth. “I’ve got one more present for you, love.” She hands him a blank envelope. 

“Mum,” he gasps. Louis is almost speechless. “What’s this for?” he asks. He counts the notes: £200. 

“I know you’ve been saving to go see them, so I thought I could help out a bit,” she shrugs.  
Louis melts into her side. “You’re the best mum I’ve ever had,” he kisses her shoulder.

“And you’re my very favorite son.”

Louis gives in and sits down at the table to enjoy their Christmas tradition. He piles his plate high because he doesn’t know any other way to eat French toast.

Christmas day is a lazy one. The girls play with their toys and try on all of their new clothes. Louis helps Lottie and Fizzy put together perfect outfits. His phone buzzes periodically with the “Happy Christmas” texts from Zayn and Stan and the likes.

**From: Harry Styles 3:26pm**

**Talked mum and Robin into keeping  
** **up with tradition! Thinking of you,  
** **babe. I know I’ve still got you beat!  
** **Hope your day’s been good.  
** **H xx**

Harry is smiling from behind a huge stack of French toast. Louis’ breath catches and he has Harry on his mind the rest of the day. He sends back a few laughing emojis and the assurance that yes, Harry’s got him beat, and that he hopes Christmas in the states treats them well.

Jay’s parents come for dinner later and each of them receive a card and cash. They play board games and drink wine and kiss goodbye at 9:00, just like always. Louis isn’t all that connected, though. These traditions feel empty since half of the people are missing.

×××

Louis is settled in on the couch with one of his new books when he hears a vaguely familiar noise coming from upstairs. He bounds up the stairs and finds his laptop lighting up with the Skype logo. Louis hasn’t used Skype in ages. Confused, he accepts the call.

“Lou!!!” It’s Gemma’s smiling face he is greeted with. “Happy Christmas!” she calls through the screen.

“Gems! How’ve you been? How’s Christmas?” he asks. His smile is splitting his face in half.

“Been fine, fine. Crimbo’s weird without ya, mate!” she shouts.

Louis laughs. “I know what you mean. Are you already drunk, Gemma? What time’s it there, anyway?” He heads downstairs.

“Only five, and yes, she is drunk,” a deeper voice replies from farther away.

Louis’ heartrate picks up. He swallows hard. A forced laugh escapes his mouth as he sinks back into his spot on the couch. “Girls, come say hi to Gemma and Harry!” 

Four smaller bodies are piling on top of his fighting for their screen time. Louis sets the laptop on the coffee table and sits back as the twins show off a few of their new toys. Fizzy shows Harry her new flower crown and he excitedly shows her a very similar one that he received. Gemma and Lottie discus their new makeup products. Anne pops in for a bit, telling them all how much she misses them. The girls disperse and Louis calls Jay over. Anne and Jay still talk daily, but they briefly go on about how weird it is to be apart for the holidays. 

Jay kisses Louis’ head and heads up to her room with Dan and the twins. On the screen, Anne does the same, dragging a giggly Gemma with her. Louis huffs a laugh. “Why’s Gem getting drunk already?”

“She went to the holiday party at the school teaches at last night and the hot art teacher didn’t even talk to her,” Harry says as he rolls his eyes.

“Oh poor Gemma!” he replies in a mocking tone.

Harry nods as he stretches and exposes his hip bones. A shudder runs through Louis’ body. His eyes dart around the screen, looking anywhere but Harry (which is hard with his long torso and giant hair taking up the whole screen). Louis notices that Harry’s in his own bed, though.

“Alright girls, tell Harry goodnight,” he says toward Lottie and Fizzy. They mutter “night” and then turn back to whatever they were doing. Harry chuckles.

Louis stands and climbs the stairs to his bedroom. He plops down on his bed and watches Harry re-adjust his position. Louis leans back against his headboard and closes his eyes.

“You tired, babe?” Harry yawns.

“A bit, yeah,” Louis replies. He rubs his hand through his hair and down his face. “But it’s late here. Nearly one AM now. Why’re you over there yawning?”

“Been a long week, mate,” Harry replies. “I’ve had final exams up until Monday. I’m a bit warn out. Thinking about a nap before dinner, actually.”

“Never too tired to catch up, though, right?”

“Of course not,” Harry sighs. “’m sorry it’s been so long.” He pauses. “I’ve been busy…but I’ve missed you guys, so much, Lou.”

Louis nods. “We’ve missed you lot as well. Flat’s lonely without Gems,” he confesses.

“How’s Zayn?”

“Good, good. Pining after some hot piece of ass in his psychology class, you know Zayn.”

Harry laughs. “Oh Zayn… boy or girl this time?”

“Guy. His name is Liam,” Louis says with exaggerated importance.

“He’s older, then?”

Everyone knows Zayn’s dating habits. Either he is sleeping around with anything that moves, or helplessly longing for someone (either an older boy, or a younger girl). When he finds something he wants, that is the only thing on his mind. He won’t stop until he’s exhausted all of his efforts. So Louis nods.

“Figured. Bet he’s hot though. Zayn’s always had good taste.”

“Liam’s not really my cup of tea, but yeah.”

“So who is your cup of tea?”

Louis feels himself blush. Hopefully the other boy can’t see it through the grainy contrast on his screen. He shrugs. “Well not Eleanor.”

A bark escapes Harry’s mouth before his hand is clamped down to hold in his laugh. “Mate, I coulda told you that a month into the whole thing! When’d she finally see it?”

He chuckles. That’s what everyone has said. “Yeah, yeah. A year wasted, I know. _I_ dumped her, thanks. Right after you left, actually.”

Harry looks Louis in the eyes, then. He cocks his head to the side, like a puppy who hears a strange noise. His eyes look sad. Curls fall over them as he nods and looks down at his hands.

“You dating anyone? Wait, what about Cara? You used to post about her loads.” Louis says quickly. Anything to change the subject.

“Just a fling. Ended before Thanksgiving. She was a pretty good fuck but I’m pretty sure she’s more into her own roommate than she was into me,” he shrugs. “She told me I was her last effort at being straight. Which is cool with me. She’s still a good friend.”

Louis laughs a bit. “So you’re not seeing anyone?”

“Just broke it off with a girl, actually.”

“Turn that one gay, too?”

Harry snorts. “Nah, but I could give you a go.”

Louis’ heart stops and then picks up in double time. He splutters for a few seconds before regaining control of his thoughts. “Then what happened with this one?”

“Not really sure. Kendall’s hot but I just couldn’t really click with her, you know? Only lasted about a month.”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“So, you haven’t been laid since July? That’s how long?” He pauses to count on his fingers. With wide eyes he says, “five months?”

Louis scoffs. “How do you know I haven’t been hooking up?”

“I know you, Louis.”

“Okay, yeah it’s been a while. Longer than five months, actually.”

Harry shifts his position in his bed so he’s laid back, long lines of his body exposed. He hums in thought. “Been a while for me, too.”

Louis swallows hard. The sight is making his mind buzz. “What about Kendall?”

“Nah, I just couldn’t. I skipped out on her anytime she offered. Didn’t feel right.”

Louis hums this time. 

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately,” Harry says with dark eyes.

His heart is in his throat. “Really?” he manages to ask.

Harry inclines his head, sharp jawline highlighted in the dim lighting. He slips a hand down the front of his joggers and Louis blinks in surprise. This is not the Harry Louis knows. Sure, this is the one he’s dreamed of many times, but not the one that he knows. He is suddenly very aware of his heavy cock, the many Harry-centered wet dreams running through his mind.

“What do you say we let some of the pent-up tension go? It’s been a while for both of us. It doesn’t have to mean anything. Just two bros having a bit of a circle jerk,” he laughs and it sounds a little nervous.

Louis nods. “Yeah, sure. That’ll be okay.” He relaxes back against the headboard and slips a hand down his own pants. The bicep muscles moving under Harry’s skin hypnotize him. He’s embarrassingly hard by now. He hisses at the cold of his hand. He watches as Harry’s hand moves in his pants and nearly passes out when Harry frees his hand, along with his cock, in order to have full access. Louis loses all inhibition after that. He’s panting and pumping and (literally) letting it all hang out. All of his desire is laid out and he’s sure Harry can hear his thoughts.

It’s over quickly, because as they said, it had been a while. Louis had to bite at the collar of his shirt in order to keep quiet and he is 90% positive Harry moaned his name as he came. But they came at the same time, and Louis is certain that has some friend-bonding power or something. 

Harry’s eyes are closed and he looks content. Louis watches his breathing slow and he thinks he probably fell asleep. “Night, Haz,” he whispers.

“Love you, Lou,” he hears back. But Harry is still all laid out with his eyes closed. Louis smiles and closes his laptop.

He sleeps like a rock. For the first time in months, Louis doesn’t have a nightmare or dream of Harry. He doesn’t relive “the birthday” (as he’s come to call it) and he doesn’t wake up with a puddle in his pants. He does, however, feel a little panicked when he remembers why he felt relaxed enough to sleep soundly. _There goes my fucking birthday wish. ___

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first "serious" fic... First time posting anything... Idk
> 
> find me on twitter (I'm finally back): @fournoel


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